Text Message

>> Tuesday, February 9, 2010

This is conversation is word for word. A random text message between me and a chick. I will be in bold. The chick, not enough.

What's up?

Nothing much...typing insignificant crap. You?


Yes. Every single day without fail...

Be nice.

I'm not being nice?

You saying I complain a lot?

Seriously? You want to start a fight? Yes, you complain a lot. And whine.

You smell.



Yeah, like flowers and sunshine.

I am talking. My single sucks in this office so my texts take awhile to send sometimes. Also, you fight like a midget girl.

Midget girl. That's funny.

Funny like your facial hair.

When screwing you, is it like throwing a pencil down a hallway?

Nope. More like sticking your finger in one of those Chinese finger traps. How many times have you heard "is it in yet?"

Well I did have that time I was too big it wouldn't fit her.

She was probably using it for storage... no wonder there was no room.

Are you more tuna or salmon?

Hmm...I'm gonna go with small mouth bass. Are you more sweaty gym sock or copper penny?

More like a nice Merlot. Just as long that after looking at yours, I'm not thinking Arby's.

Zing. Did your married girlfriend help you come up with that one?

Nope. All by myself. Married girlfriend. Nice touch.

Speaking of touch, do you jerk off in your sleep often or only when you dream about your mom?

My mom is usually there. Does your kid help you clean up?

Only when your dad comes over. He's quite messy.

Good thing your ass is like a never ending refill cup. It's weird how you like sitting all squishy.

Almost as weird as your girly skating fetish. Maybe you should join a real team. You're sensitive enough.

When you put the phone down there, it sounds like you're mixing mac and cheese.

I'm actually mixing oatmeal. Good try though. Your breathing sounds like an asthmatic old woman watching bestiality porn.

Nice job.

Hey you started it. You had to bring the phone sex into it.

My back was against the wall.

Yeah... weak.

I had to pounce.

What if I got offended by your pouncing? (My auto correct wanted to use pounding instead of pouncing.)

You would get offended.

It was a hypothetical question, jackass.

Your vagina is hypothetical....... (for the win.)

me - 1 chick - 0


I Forgot To Wash That Towel

>> Sunday, January 10, 2010

About a week ago I noticed that I needed to do some grooming. Some below the belt assistance was needed. A bit of a dry dating spell had cause the area to become a bit weedy. So I went into the bathroom and with some clippers I began to get the area in order. It's a very careful and slow process. Any fast wrist action and you can have some pretty nasty cuts. I took my time. Got everything down to the proper length. I cleaned up and all of the... grooming... was left in a towel.

This weekend my parents were at my house helping me with some kitchen sink issues. I had some leaky connections to the pipes and a bunch of water spilled all over the floor. My mom needed some towels and I told her that there were some dirty ones in the garage. My thought process was that it didn't matter if they were dirty, we just needed to get this water up.

She comes back and starts wiping up the water. She's wiping and wiping then makes the now obvious comment.... "there sure is a lot of hair on this."

I totally forgot to wash that towel.

My mom was wiping my kitchen floor with my ball hair.

How was your weekend?


New Years Eve Two Years Ago...

>> Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A couple of years ago, I went to a house party for New Years Eve. A bunch of couples and a few singles. I was one of those singles and there was only one other single that I could tolerate for an evening. The problem with this is that I found out before that night just a little too much information about STDDee's extra curricular activities. STDDee was a slut. It was actually known throughout the group. Girl likes to play. Cute girl don't get me wrong, but most likely (never confirmed) up to her eyeballs with transmitted issues. Possibly. I don't think I could ever be drunk enough...plus there is a big chance if I ever were drunk enough, it would be like throwing a pencil down a hallway. Anyway, not the point. I know going into the party that I'm not going to do anything with her and I was fine with that. Here's a bonus : she brought a friend that she picked up at a bar the night before. Stranger danger never looked so good. It got me out of an eventual decline of STDDee's drunk advances. It was known that STDDee liked me and wants me like they did in the bible times.

After a few hours of drinking and the lame midnight couples kissing event, I found my way to the couch. I was buzzed. Feeling good. Not drunk, but just enough to know where I was but everything was just a little slo-mo. I see STDDee walking towards me...straddles me....and puts a big fat kiss on me. Now remember, she is cute. A little cleaner and it would have been one fun night. I'm buzzed enough to allow the kiss but not drunk enough to open my mouth. Her date is in the other room. After the kiss she gets up all drunk sexy like, taking her hands from my neck and rubbing them down my chest ending with the touching of the junk. Also remember, drunk touching is not sexy touching... but she tried. I smiled. She leaves to the other room. I stayed put. Moving on...

The plan for the night was that I would stay the night (because of the drinking) and would take one of the spare bedrooms. That was true until STDDee showed up with Stranger Date. They took the room and I got the couch. Fuck. About an hour later I am hearing noises from the spare bedroom they are in. The bathroom is next door to the room. I have to pee. I get up to go and when I get to the door, STDDee is praying like she is dying. Now, once you hear a couple fucking... you can hear them until they stop. They never stopped. Sure they stopped each time after Stranger Date unloaded, but would get right back at it. Praying and I think some slapping. I had to turn on the TV so I could drown out all the "fuck me's". All I could do was turn on the TV. I had 4 remotes and none of them seemed to be equipped to change the fucking channel. I got stuck having to watch Stomp The Yard.

Here's the funny part : As morning came and everyone (about 7 of us) was up and talking in the living room, STDDee and Stranger Date got up and left abruptly. Then a few minutes later, she comes back and asks the host if she could go with her to the room...something about the guy losing his wallet.

He didn't lose his wallet.

During their romantic love making sessions, instead of shooting inside her, on her or in her mouth, Stranger Date grabs one of the good hand towels in the bathroom and shoots in it. STDDee needed help finding that so she could take it, wash it and return it. Host told her that she could keep it and that she didn't need one nice hand towel with a few rough spots.

So to recap the New Years Eve party of a few years ago : I got kissed by STDDee who had sex with a stranger who jizzed into nice hand towels and left...only to come back for the hand towel in shame.

And I had to watch Stomp The Yard.


It Might Be The Last One

>> Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A word to describe my relationship with my remaining grandparents : non-existent. They never gave a shit about getting to know their grandkids and we grew up thinking this was normal. I never talk to them now. Surprised? Sure I will talk them if there is a family function. You know your basic "Oh, I'm good. Just working, trying to keep busy..." type shit. Just one set of grandparents are left. Grandpa is in and out of the hospital who I can't remember ever having a one on one conversation with and Grandma is starting to really wear down. Now they want a relationship. Of course they want one now. We grew into adults and barely speak to them. Of course they are masters at guilt now. "You never see me anymore".. "It feels like I don't know you anymore". Truth is they never did know us. And now I'm being blamed.

When I was a kid, around age 7 or 8, Christmas was about getting together with all the cousins and going to Grandmas house. With my two brothers and sister, there were 12 kids. Every year it was so fun. Each kid and a cousin about the same age to play with. I remember a ton of presents. It would take hours to open them all. I remembered eating deviled eggs.

I can't remember the last time I spoke a word to those cousins.. Maybe 20 years?

This might be Grandma's last Christmas. If not physically, we are thinking mentally, she's about had it. So it's been decided that we will all surprise her and get everyone back to her house for Christmas.

I don't want to go.

One thing I hate is being fake. I hate having to fake my way through an afternoon to please someone that for the majority of my life, didn't take the time to get to know me. I don't want to act like cousins that I never see or talk to are there to truly catch up. It's a situation that screams as a particular type of issue. This is a guilt issue. Sure I'm an adult and should let things go and don't get me wrong, this situation has not scarred me one bit. But having to feel guilty because I don't care for people that were never there for me... It just irritates me. I have my own issues. I have issues with my immediate family. I don't need an afternoon with extended family I don't even care to know anymore. But it could be her last Christmas. She's been saying this for years....

There better be deviled eggs there.



>> Friday, December 18, 2009

Great movie. Great role. To live life on your own terms. How you want to live it. Forget about expectation. The thing is that expectation creates more failures than anything. To be true to yourself is difficult enough without life expecting it from you. A life lived as you create it without demands or obligations. It becomes a perfect path. You can create your path or you can destroy it.

Either way...guess what? It's fucking yours. Your success. Your failures.

You own it.

This role puts perspective on life and how you might view it. "Now, a question of etiquette. As I pass - do I give you the ass or the crotch?"



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